Life with 4 kiddos...

How is life with 4 kiddos, one of those a 7 wk old, you may ask? Well, I would answer that it's an interesting ride. That's probably the best way to describe it for me. A ride with ups and downs and little moments of joy that make the other not so joyful moments more bearable. Not completely blissful, but more bearable :) It HAS been especially difficult since Benjamin was born and there have been many tearful days, but I will say that I know this baby has been sent to us at this time for a reason and that he is meant to be in our family, and that is one of my moments of joy. He is a light to all of us---the way the kids get so excited about any noise he makes and anytime he smiles and the clothes he wears---you name it, they love it. They adore him and that is another moment of joy. The way Jonas asks how Benjamin is doing every morning and how Vera and Anna dote on him like little mothers. Moments of joy. He is such a little joy to me in his cute little smiles and laughs and the way he just coos when I come get him up from his nap. Maybe I could do without the poopy laundry and sleepless nights ;), but I can handle it better knowing my little guy recognizes me and knows who his mommy is. I mean, when you see this every morning, how could you be unhappy???

 Yep. That's my boy. I adore him. I admit, I have had MANY days where I just want to throw in the towel---or maybe even shower!!!, get back in bed, and let the kids fend for themselves. Many times where the time outs, the not listening and invisible mom syndrome, the crazy behaviors that I don't understand and that drive me nuts, and the tantrums and attitude are just too much. Oh. My. Goodness. Yes. Those days I feel like I'm just surviving...and they tend to be very frequent :) However, I am slowly learning that there are some things I just have to let go and to let be in order to have those moments of joy. I am learning that I can't do everything and don't have to in order to be a good mom and wife. I am often told and reminded to allow myself to not do it all and see what happens. I can't say I've learned and applied that completely yet, but I have recognized when I start going down that path of doing too much and...well, recognition is the first step, right??? Ha. I still constantly have moments (um, this morning!!) when I think I'll run away to Australia or Jamaica or some place exotic and tropical and just relax, and then come back when I am normal and rejuvenated again (is that possible?!!!). Sheesh it's a crazy ride. I have learned to appreciate so much what my parents did in raising the 9 of us. I HAD NO IDEA. Even getting ready to go in the morning is an incredible feat for me. Making sure the baby is fed, dressed, diaper changed, diaper bag ready, in the car seat, and the other kids are dressed (I am starting to let go of having to have clothes match---some of the time ;)---baby steps right? John would be proud), and I'm showered and ready---not to mention getting everyone in the car...OH GOSH. How did you do it, Mom?? So...in a nutshell, being a mom with 4 kiddos is a challenging ride and I'm going on no sleep and am grumpy a lot of the time, but there are moments of joy and I hope to be better at finding them. Here's to finding moments like these:

 

Benjamin's Birth Story

Welcome Benjamin John Winkler! I can't believe I actually have a little one who grew inside of me for 9 months. He is beautiful and I'm so grateful. Here is the story of how our precious Benjamin was born:

So as Benjamin's due date approached, I considered a birthing plan and how I wanted to deliver. I talked to lots of people about their experiences, whether going natural or with medications and intervention, and wanted to do what was best for me and baby. I read up on Hypnobirthing and natural birth and was pretty convinced that's the way I wanted to go. I continued reading those books and using the practice CDs and decided I wanted to let my body do it's thing and not have any medication during labor and delivery. John and I took a birthing class and I explored different positions and practiced relaxation exercises we learned there to help prepare me. John was very supportive in whatever I decided and we talked about exactly what I wanted to see happen in the delivery room so that he could make sure the nurses were on board as well. I wanted to go natural, but also was open to and had researched all of the options in case things didn't go as planned.

I was getting really impatient as my due date came and went. I was due on May 31st and had been contracting for the previous two weeks and NOTHING. John had been off for a week and nothing. I would contract for hours at a time and feel like maybe this was it and then wake up in the morning and...just kidding! This baby was taking his time :) The contractions were not really painful, but just tight and made me tired. We went into the hospital two times in the same week---at first he wasn't moving and then they thought I had symptoms of pre-eclampsia and both ended up being false alarms and all was fine. I felt like I was taking the "walk of shame" each time I left the hospital and the doctor said "Well, we're sending you home" and "When did we last see you?" Ha. I was so disappointed! I was grateful that everything was ok, but wanted the baby out!

I did lots of things that were "supposed" to induce labor---even mopped the floors on hands and knees the day after I was due. Let's just say my knees paid for it :) I remember how frustrating and disappointing it was to pass my due date and still have no baby. Everyone kept asking "so has he come? Any news? " I kept thinking "believe me if he comes you will know!!!" I wasn't even sure what contractions were supposed to feel like or what it would feel like when my water broke...so I was basically on edge anytime something happened. After the 2nd false alarm at the hospital, though, I told John there was no way I was going to the hospital unless I was ABSOLUTELY sure I was in labor and going to have that baby. Everyone said that I would just know when it came and I was hoping that was the case! 

I had just labored the Saturday night (June 1) before for 8 hours and then everything stopped. I was talking to my friend Julie about it at church the next day and she said she felt the same way with each of her babies when they were late. I was really angry too because I felt the pressure to have him since John was off work until Thursday and it was Sunday. Ugh. It was awful waiting. I was tempted to get induced and my doc had offered to schedule it that week, but I really didn't want to and felt he was going to come before that. Sure enough, the next morning, I went for a walk with Anna, and then we all walked to school and I started contracting pretty consistently. As I continued to do things around the house, I timed the contractions and they were 5 min apart. John makes fun of me because I made bread while having contractions (only in the bread maker mind you, so nothing fancy :) ) I called the doc and they told me to go in. We checked in to the hospital at 12 pm and the nurse, Lori, was amazing. She checked my cervix and said I was a 4 so I could be admitted. Yahoo! I couldn't believe this was actually happening! I was having a baby!!!! Then contractions stopped and I was pretty disappointed. When was my body going to keep going and have this baby??? Lori said my doc offered to break my waters and speed things up a little bit. I decided to do it.

The doc came in an hour or two later and as soon as she broke my waters, I started having some really intense labor. I started sitting on the birthing ball, moving my hips around, breathing deeply, and getting to a place that was peaceful where I could focus. Each time I had a contraction, I thought and said to myself "that's one down. I did that much" it was empowering to think I was actually doing this without any drugs. I kept using the words "relax", "breathe", and "open". I felt pretty strong though in a lot of pain and unsure how bad these contractions were going to get :) I started moaning as the contractions got stronger and couldn't believe that sound was coming out of my body. Who was this person? And why was she moaning like some sort of elephant? 

The next couple of hours were some of the most intense of my life. Each time I had a contraction, amniotic fluid would gush through me and I would feel intense pressure and pain. I tried to just take deep breaths and keep myself calm. I was having a hard time breathing deeply because of the pain, but the nurse was impressed that as the pain level shot up I was still breathing deeply and rolling around on my birthing ball. I used the birthing ball for most of it and just moved my hips around and leaned over the bed, moaning and groaning, but breathing :) John was super supportive and massaging me and telling me I could do it and that I was doing great. I really needed him there! I started to feel tingly and like parts of my body were going numb. It was so weird, so John just encouraged me to breathe deeply to make it go away and I did. It helped a ton. Then the contractions got more intense. I never knew I could feel so much pain and pressure. Wow. It was insane. The nurse checked me in between contractions and told me I had progressed to a 6 in an hour and a half. What? Yay! This was good. The baby was coming, but wow, so was the pressure in my body. Next thing we knew, they had to move us into another room because the monitors were not working in the first room. At that point, there wasn't much of a break in between contractions, so we had to hurry, otherwise the hospital floors would become a river of amniotic fluid :) 

As soon as we got into the next room, there was a shift change and we got a new nurse, who I didn't like as much as the first one. She got there as I was really experiencing pain and ready to push. I then had more and more intense contractions and tried to use a birthing bar, but that didn't work either, so I basically squatted on the bed for a bit. I told John at one point "I don't know if I can do this. It hurts. It hurts. Ow. Ow. Ow." It was like this surge inside of me started low and squeezed up through me, causing some intense pain. The squatting helped, but after that contractions kept getting worse, and I felt like I had to push. John was totally surprised and couldn't believe it. In between my moaning, I said "I need to push, I need to push" so he got the nurse, she checked me and I was past a 10----I had dilated from 6 to 10 in an hour!!!! She told me I could push all I wanted, this baby was coming!! So they rushed to get my doc and she and John got ready to deliver the baby. I pushed and pushed and pushed----it was intense and exhausting. Each time my doc told me to push, she counted to 10 and then told me to breathe in and count to 10 again while I pushed.

It was so weird feeling the baby move down and come through. I could feel him move closer and then move back and it was kind of frustrating because I wondered how long this would take. It felt like each time I was taking steps back and I was SO exhausted! Finally the doc and John said they could see the baby's head and to keep pushing, John kept encouraging me and telling me I was doing amazing, to keep going, and that I was strong and could do this. There were many times I really didn't think I could push one more time and said so, starting to whimper and cry a little bit, but my doc kept saying it wasn't a question if I could do it, I was DOING it and was GOING to do it. That really encouraged me and I tried to focus on the end reward---my little baby boy.

So at that point, my doc said I just needed to push one last time and he was right there. I just gave it all I had and may have screamed just a little bit! Ha ha. Ok, I moaned and sounds came out of my mouth that I had never heard from myself before. It HURT!!! As I pushed those last few times I could hear the baby's heartbeat slow down and the doc say his head was stuck and that I was too tight. She had to do an episiotomy. I was so focused on pushing and getting him out that I barely realized all that was going on. All was a blur and then I pushed as hard as I could and felt his head come through (burning!!!) and the rest of his body (just plain weird, but cool). After an hour of pushing, Benjamin John Winkler was born at 6:35 pm and weighed 7 lbs 9.5 oz and measured 19 1/2 inches long. My baby boy was here!

As soon as he came out, they put him skin to skin and on my belly. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. He was beautiful and he was my baby-mine and John's. What a miracle!!! I just held him and cried and John kissed me and I just couldn't believe he was finally here. They cleaned him off a bit and weighed him and then let me hold him again while my doc sewed me up. I had prayed during my whole pregnancy that the labor and delivery would go well and that it would be a spiritual experience for both John and me and those prayers were answered. 

He is amazing and perfect in every way. He is truly a miracle! Heavenly Father gave us this opportunity and I can't believe I have the privilege of being this little guy's mother. 

37 weeks and counting...

Here I am at 37 weeks. Almost there!!!

33 weeks

So I can't believe it is getting so close. Here is baby boy belly at 33 weeks!

27 weeks and Valentine's Day!

So just a short update...I am 27 weeks and 2 days today! Can't believe it. This baby is kicking and is definitely a mover and a shaker (what does that mean for the next few years of my life????) and we're so grateful he is healthy. I have my glucose test on Tuesday and am hoping I pass! I've been really uncomfortable when I sleep and am definitely waddling, but that's cute, right??? ;)

It has been a crazy month and a good one. John surprised me for Valentine's Day by getting me Belgian chocolates (my favorite kind of chocolate :) ) and a dozen beautiful roses and...drum roll please...reservations to this hotel I've been wanting to go to for months called the CliffHouse. It is in Manitou Springs (close to the Garden of the Gods) and was built in 1874. The rooms are decorated after different famous people who have stayed there such as Teddy Roosevelt, Charles Dickens, and other fun characters. It was a beautiful weekend and we had a very romantic dinner that night at the hotel and just enjoyed spending some time alone. We also discovered a local restaurant that served Mediterranean food---we ate chicken shawarma and falafel. Yum! It brought me back to when I went to Israel a couple of summers ago. Delicious! I sure love my husband!

I 've been wanting to decorate and create and do all sorts of organizing around the house, so I finally finished painting, making, and decorating wooden letters for each of the kids' names and putting them up in their rooms. I was pretty proud of myself for how cute they turned out! ;) No expensive online letters done by someone else, thank you very much. I'll save a bit of money and do it myself :) Other than that, just preparing for baby to come. We're getting the nursery ready little by little and I can hardly believe he's coming so soon. I've been asking myself what this little one will be like and if he will have the Wall genes (i.e. toehead) or look more like a Winkler or a combination of both? No, these questions don't keep me up at night (though the lovely kicks, aches, and pains do :) ), but I guess we'll find out soon enough!!

I also got to train for a music program called "Let's Play Music" which is specifically set up to help kids ages 4-7 prepare to take piano lessons. I'm so excited to start teaching in the Fall! Here is a picture of all of us at training.



Happy March!

Hello Blog!

Our first look at our baby. Can't believe what a miracle life is.

Me at 18 weeks!

Hello Blog! It's nice to see you again. The past couple of months have been crazy with the holidays, being sick, and getting back into a schedule, but I can say I finally feel like a semi-normal person again. Being so sick with this pregnancy for so much time really made me appreciate feeling good. I can actually eat food again and it doesn't sound awful or make me want to throw up! Ha. It's a miracle! Although spinach and artichoke dip still makes me want to gag. Such a sad day. I used to LOVE that stuff.

Here's our little guy at the 20 week ultrasound!

We also found out two weeks ago that we're having a baby BOY!!! Yahoo! We are really excited. Anna told us that she "changed her mind and now I want a boy." Well, good. Glad we can make everyone happy :) I've been trying not to go too crazy over the million and one things we still need for his arrival, but I will admit that Target clearance has become my good friend lately :) It's insane what is needed for a little one when you're starting from square one. Now every time I walk into a store, I head straight for the baby stuff. I haven't really bought much, but I sure love looking. I have mapped out the nursery (now Anna's room) and how I want to decorate. I am really excited and will most likely add some decor to the other kids' rooms too. Little by little, I keep telling myself. I still can't believe there is a little being growing inside of me. It's so surreal. I look at my belly in the mirror and think, "Wait. What? This little body is coming out in a few months. Of me. Whoa." I know. Deep thoughts are had inside of this pregnancy brain these days. What can I say? ;) Not many thoughts stay inside of this pregnancy brain these days, actually. Ha. It's incredible how quickly I will forget what I was thinking just seconds after thinking it. I feel like the dog Doug from the movie...Squirrel!!

22 weeks!

Anyway, the baby has started to kick and move a lot and it's the strangest, yet coolest feeling. When we saw him in the 20 week ultrasound, he was breech and we're hoping the little guy moves around to come out head first. We still have a little time :) I have already started becoming uncomfortable at night and having trouble sleeping, which I'm told isn't supposed to happen yet. Ha. Well, folks, it is happening, and I guess I ought to get used to it, eh? I have strange, strange dreams and am often too warm, so I'm sure that's contributing to it all. Despite the uncomfortable nights, strange dreams, and increase in appetite, making me feel like I'm eating enough for three ;), I'm so incredibly excited for this little guy to make his appearance.

An Announcement...

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